Providing the Right Amount and Type of Feedback

As a parent, you know if you give too much feedback, your kids will get annoyed. If you give too little, you feel like you aren’t helping enough. If you give poor feedback, it will be ignored. So how do you know the right amount and type of feedback to give?

Below are some tips on how to provide effective feedback, which will help improve behavior, learning, and attitude.

Be Specific

Feedback needs to be specific so that your child understands what is praiseworthy. When you say, “Great job!” it doesn’t give any insight on what your child did great. Take the time to provide them with the information on what exactly they did great on and, if applicable, relate it to what they did differently than before. So, one could say, “Great job with passing your spelling test! I noticed how hard you studied and look how it turned out.”

Know Your Timing

Providing feedback days or weeks later won’t be as effective. You have to assess the situation and find the right time to provide feedback. Sometimes it needs to be done in the moment, while another time it might be later when tempers have calmed. For example, if your toddler is throwing a tantrum, providing feedback hours later is not going to have an impact as it would in the moment. On the other hand, if you are trying to provide feedback while your teenager is angry, it may lead to a full-blown argument and your message won’t be received as well as when anger has subsided.

Be Sincere and Believable

Most kids know when you’re being sincere or saying things just for the sake of saying things. If you make a comment to try and manipulate your child, your child may resent it and may disregard the feedback as a way for you to get them to do something you want. Let them know how you feel. If you’re proud of them, speak from the heart.

Encourage Introspection

Instead of always giving them feedback, ask them to provide their own feedback. Have them take a deep dive into their own self. Allowing children to do this takes away the feeling of being closely monitored or the feeling of being controlled. Next time, you can ask, “What do you think helped you improve your math grade from a B into an A?”

Be Thankful

We want our children to be motivated from within rather than be dependent on validation from the outside. If your child does something that you’re thankful for, tell them and be specific. Instead of saying, “Thanks for helping out with the dishes last night”, try saying, “Thank you for helping out with the dishes last night. I really enjoyed our conversation while we were cleaning. It really helped out the family, too, and allowed all of us to have an hour of quality time before bedtime.”

Check in with Yourself

Make sure if you’re giving feedback, you’re not delivering it when you’re frustrated or angry. Calm yourself down and think about what you’re going to say before letting impulse take over. Often when parents are angry, the feedback is poorly delivered and may trigger a fight or flight response from your child.

Be Selective

Try not to give feedback for everything your child does. If your child is seeking feedback or approval for every assignment, drawing, or activity, it’s probably because they have been conditioned to receiving constant feedback. It’s vital for children to develop their own internal sense of validation.

When trying these tips, be patience as you practice. It’s not always going to go the way you envision and that’s okay. Stay encouraged and continue to provide more authentic encouragement.